tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-80968733674715871912024-02-02T05:23:04.608+00:00Amy's JourneyJoin me on the journey of the rest of my life..Amyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12664536951595866248noreply@blogger.comBlogger55125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8096873367471587191.post-51714538499829803002009-04-13T21:02:00.003+01:002009-04-13T21:46:18.667+01:00Amy Nicholls 25/01/1989 - 09/02/2009Amy fought long and hard, against this thing called cancer. She was determined not to let it beat her. Very sadly Amy lost her fight on Monday the 9th of February 2009. Although in a way, the cancer beat her in the end, in another way it didn't, cause even though she is no longer here in person, she will live on forever in our hearts and minds and will never be forgotten. This is a copy of Amy's testimony, that she wrote when she was baptised, on the 4th of January which seem to sum up, the way Amy saw things:<br /><br /> <em>“I've heard it said that when God created each one of us our outcomes and destiny's were always predetermined. Our life was already planned out for us, like an unopened book just waiting to be read. I kinda like this way of looking at it and have always gone by the term "even if the destination is predetermined, it's the journey that counts..and what a fun journey I’m having so far.<br />I also believe that we are sent to earth with a set birth and death date. God knows what is going to happen at each and every turn of our life and we through him must complete whatever we were sent to earth to achieve, then once completed, he calls us home.<br />I also like this way of looking at life.<br />I also now know what my mission on this earth was, mine was to face a big battle and show people that even in the face of such hardship and adversity, with a boat load of courage, strength and a smile on your face you can get through anything, achieving many other goals, aspirations and having a damn good time along the way. Oh and not forgetting putting 100% of your faith and trust in the lord, knowing he is there walking beside you every step of the way!<br />That's my mission, that's my goal and this baptism? It's just another page in the book of my life. I hope you enjoy sharing this page with me today.<br />You see to me; Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, totally worn out and proclaiming,<br /> 'WOW, WHAT A RIDE!!!”</em><br /> <br />I hope that these blogs will bring some comfort to those who read them, and will be an encouragement to others who are going through a similar fight. <br />Sleep well our Angel, till we see you again, in a better place xxx<br />Andrew, Kim, Matthew and Alice<br />Amy's family xxx<br /><br /><strong>www.justgiving.com/amynicholls</strong>Amyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12664536951595866248noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8096873367471587191.post-42029992210439689382009-02-01T20:11:00.003+00:002009-02-01T20:25:28.815+00:00What To Hold On For Now?People said i seemed well at Christmas and then again at my baptism a few weeks later.<br /><br />Was i well?<br />Not really, but i guess i felt it at the time.<br /><br />I know since then i've got a lot, lot worse.<br />My breathing is my slow killer and it doesn't seem to be letting up anytime soon. <br /><br />One person at my church got upset the other week, as they thought me being dunked when i had my baptism had been the cause of my rapid deterioration....it really wasn't.<br /><br />I think since the news of me not being around much longer started there were certain things, not really made public, that i knew in my mind i really wanted to try and be around for.<br /><br />Two of the more recent events were those mentioned above...<br />Christmas<br />and My Baptism.<br /><br />I think that's why i've got worse since then, i havn't really got any more things, planned or unplanned to really focus on. Sure everyday i should focus on but it's not the same.<br /><br />I recently got to my 20th birthday. I wanted to make it to there and i achieved that. I knew i wouldn't make the milestone that is 21, but to me, 20 has been a bigger milestone than any that have passed or will have done.<br /><br />I made it. And for that, i couldn't be happier.<br /><br /><br />EDIT: I just realised that one of the things on my "list" i wanted to do was leave a legacy.<br />Pleae check out this page and with anything you have, help me leave even the tiniest piece of a legacy. http://www.justgiving.com/amynichollsAmyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12664536951595866248noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8096873367471587191.post-71103405377641142322009-01-26T20:08:00.002+00:002009-01-26T20:14:08.012+00:00Slow Dance...I got sent a chain email the other day. The thought was there but it was obvious the email had been tweaked many a time over the years. Here is the poem that was included in the mail, guess through all the stupidity of chain letterss the real message are still there if you look hard enough....<br /><br /><br /><strong>Slow Dance Poem</strong><br /><br />Have you ever watched kids<br />On a merry-go-round?<br />Or listened to the rain<br />Slapping on the ground?<br />Ever followed a<br />butterfly's erratic flight?<br />Or gazed at the sun<br />into the fading night?<br /><br />You better slow down.<br />Don't dance so fast.<br />Time is short.<br />The music won't last.<br /><br />Do you run through each day<br />On the fly?<br />When you ask How are you?<br />Do you hear the reply?<br />When the day is done<br />Do you lie in your bed<br />With the next hundred chores<br />Running through your<br />head?<br /><br />You'd better slow down<br />Don't dance so fast.<br />Time is short.<br />The music won't last.<br /><br />Ever told your child,<br />We'll do it tomorrow?<br />And in your haste,<br />Not see his sorrow?<br />Ever lost touch,<br />Let a good friendship die<br />Cause you never had time<br />To call and say, "hi"?<br /><br />You'd better slow down.<br />Don't dance so fast.<br />Time is short.<br />The music won't last.<br /><br />When you run so fast to get somewhere<br />You miss half the fun of getting there.<br /><br />When you worry and hurry through your day,<br />It is like an unopened gift....<br />Thrown away.<br /><br />Life is not a race.<br />Do take it slower<br />Hear the music<br />Before the song is over.Amyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12664536951595866248noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8096873367471587191.post-5183605653693078212009-01-19T19:16:00.001+00:002009-01-19T19:18:41.305+00:00Our Own Little System...So we're getting things down to a system. Maybe not an easy system, but one that seems to work.<br /><br />Cleaning up each morning isn't easy. It has to be done. And that's the system I'm talking about. Old clothes off, fresh clothes on. Hygiene, hair, trying to take care of things the way I used to do it.<br /><br />I couldn't do any of that without mom's help - something I hope she realises every day.<br /><br />So, all in all, this seems to be working.<br /><br />I'm pretty lucky.Amyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12664536951595866248noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8096873367471587191.post-7239194282392067882009-01-15T19:08:00.001+00:002009-01-15T19:11:54.549+00:00Losing Control But Not Giving In...How will this go? How do things play out from here? What happens next?<br /><br />I don't have the answers to any of those questions right now. I'm sure the answers will become apparent at some point, but we're not there yet.<br /><br />I do see changes in my body. I'm not as strong as I was a few weeks ago or a few weeks before that. I need more help doing some things.<br /><br />Getting up the stairs for instance. I used to go up and down them without really thinking. Well, those days are over. I need to plan ahead if I can, make sure there's someone else there to help me up them, oxygen in toe.<br /><br />It's just another little loss of control. A loss of freedom that the cancer has caused and I hate it.<br /><br />It scares me too. How far will it go? How much of my strength will the cancer steal? Will I end up bed-ridden?<br /><br /><br />On the other hand, I have to keep going. I have to move around, go from chair to chair. I'm not bed-ridden now and I can't let myself give up.<br /><br />So as it gets harder and harder to do the same things, I think all I can do is work a little harder to do them.<br /><br />And make the cancer work harder to try and stop me.Amyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12664536951595866248noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8096873367471587191.post-38853303705246500022009-01-09T20:07:00.001+00:002009-01-09T20:08:40.653+00:00New Year..So we're starting another year of fighting with the "beast" To my mind, that means fighting dirty. Hit it when it's not looking. Jab it with radio when it doesn't expect it. Zap it, fry it, freeze it. This is no time to shake hands.<br /><br />As we start this new year, it's a time to remember that everything is riding on this fight.Amyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12664536951595866248noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8096873367471587191.post-25829285981205315272008-12-24T17:55:00.002+00:002008-12-24T17:59:38.251+00:00Giving Thanks this Christmas..I have so much to be thankful for. <br /><br />That might sound funny coming from someone with cancer. We have each other - the greatest gift of all. We have our loved ones. My doctors and their skills. I can still laugh when I should, and cry when I need to. And most important...I'm still here.<br /><br />I may have my complaints, but I'm grateful for what I do have, however little it may be. Some people could only dream of what I have, I'll never forget that. <br />But my Christmas wish for all of you, those fighting the disease and those standing beside them, is that you find some healing, some peace. Even if it's just for an hour. I hope that Christmas dinner, or opening presents, or a silly family tradition, something will take your mind off the illness and pain. Just an hour or two of normalcy would be one of the best Christmas gifts ever.<br /><br />I wish you all a wonderful Christmas xAmyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12664536951595866248noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8096873367471587191.post-89596456785074728822008-12-11T19:34:00.002+00:002008-12-11T19:39:24.447+00:00A Snapshot In Time...I live by a different calendar these days. I measure my life by the next appointment, the next lot of radiation, times to take my medication.<br /><br />I realise that the rest of the world is going on about its business. Going to work, on holiday, shopping, all the usual stuff. My friends are all working or at college, measuring their lives by new assignments or reports due. All the things I used to worry about.<br /><br />I guess today I'm really feeling the split between Cancer World and the normal world. Cancer World, my world, looks a lot like the normal world. But it is so very different.<br /><br />I've gotten out of the house a few times, but I've pretty much been house-bound for a while now. I know that outside these walls, life goes on. But it's strange not to be part of it. I can almost feel the hum, the rhythm of everything that's happening out there.<br /><br />When I first got home, the trees in my backyard were a riot of autumn colors. Now they're mostly bare, the leaves littering the ground. Time is passing in both Cancer World and the normal world. I just wish they didn't feel so far apart.Amyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12664536951595866248noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8096873367471587191.post-83087873142384870832008-12-04T22:11:00.002+00:002008-12-04T22:21:32.580+00:00Christmas Is Coming....I can't believe that in three weeks it's Christmas Day. It feels like this year, more than anything it's been a long time coming.<br /><br />To me christmas this year isn't about flashy presents or wanting things that we can't really afford, for me this year it's about spending time with family and just generally having fun the good old traditional way. This consists of eating way too much, drinking a tiny bit of tipple then merrily gathering around the television to watch whatever Christmas films they decide to put on this year - and you know what? I wouldn't want it any other way...<br /><br />Just to be able to put the decorations up this year and start blasting out the christmas tunes was a good enough reason to make me smile. Even having a tree, any tree to me is really what's important. Big or small, I've always thought of the tree as a symbol of hope and wonder. That's especially true this year.<br /><br /><br />And just because i can...<br /><br /><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/ogetBqMgau0&hl=en&fs=1"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/ogetBqMgau0&hl=en&fs=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed>Amyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12664536951595866248noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8096873367471587191.post-1201824348544197822008-11-24T18:41:00.000+00:002008-11-24T18:43:58.673+00:00The Cancer Rollercoaster...We have talked about the roller coaster that is cancer. I think this is a perfect example. A couple of weeks up, improving, then a couple of weeks down, that improvement lost. I've gotten used to the coaster, at least as much as I can. But it sure would be nice to get a nice level stretch for a while to let me catch my breath, settle my stomach and get ready for that next drop. But this isn't that kind of ride I guess. No slow spots, no timeouts, it's full speed ahead every day.<br /><br />So all I can do is hold my hands up in the air and yell as I ride down this radiation hill, knowing that on the other side there will be a long climb upward to the top of the next hill. Or have I carried this metaphor too far? In any case, I've <br />given up the hope that the Beast will slow down at all. So I just have to keep up with it. Actually, I guess I'd better try to stay one step ahead.Amyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12664536951595866248noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8096873367471587191.post-74759738729655161212008-11-18T20:06:00.002+00:002008-11-18T20:13:29.261+00:00Sunshine? Just what the doctor ordered!Something so simple, yet even the smallest amount can be a recipe for clearing the head, healing the pain or just helping us get through the day.<br /><br />What is this miraculous cure i hear you cry?!<br /><br />SUNSHINE of course!<br /><br />It's what we all need to lift our spirits and make us feel a hell of a lot better!<br /><br />Sunshine and smiles...just what the doctor ordered.Amyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12664536951595866248noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8096873367471587191.post-16762255583316010702008-11-12T20:07:00.001+00:002008-11-12T20:08:51.952+00:00The Gift Of Time...How do we measure our lives?<br /><br />In time? Days, weeks, months, years?<br /><br />That takes us back to the "How long?" question. When you first learn that you have cancer, you want to know how much of a life you still have ahead of you. How you'll spend that time is something to think about later.<br /><br />Once the shock has worn off you do start thinking about how you want to spend that time.<br /><br />There were books I still wanted to read, places I wanted to see. There were conversations to be had with good friends. There were evenings of laughter still to complete.<br />And then there is the fight itself.<br /><br />I still don't like the word "fight", but I haven't come up with a better one yet. Confronting our cancer, trying to defeat it -- that takes time, too.<br /><br />Hours spent in machines, or waiting to go into machines. Days or weeks spent in the hospital for surgeries. And there is the time spent just thinking about what has happened to us. What this all means.<br /><br />But the bottom line here is that I'm talking about how to spend time I never thought I'd have. Time that no one else thought I'd have. And that's a gift to be treasured.Amyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12664536951595866248noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8096873367471587191.post-88807713058142566292008-11-08T20:52:00.000+00:002008-11-08T20:54:19.726+00:00Hard To Disguise The Bad Days...A lot of people have said that several of my blogs recently have sounded very down, that I seem depressed.<br /><br />I guess that's true.<br /><br />I don't mean to sound that way, but sometimes I have bad days. I guess that comes through in my writing.<br /><br />I've been tempted not to publish some of them, but everyone says that if that's the way I feel on that day, so be it.<br /><br />It's hard not to let everything we're going through get to us sometimes. Some days the burden seems greater, seems almost too much to bear. I know I shouldn't, but some days I want to feel sorry for myself, to give in to the dark side.<br /><br />But those moments pass. We all have to reach inside ourselves and find some reserve still untapped, some strength that's still there, and push forward.<br /><br />We have to find the will to take the next step, and then the one after that.<br /><br />Some days that's hard. At least it is for me. I'd love to be a pillar of strength every day, to never feel or show weakness.<br /><br />But we're all just human, after all.Amyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12664536951595866248noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8096873367471587191.post-25331218426320375902008-11-05T21:24:00.003+00:002008-11-05T21:38:28.850+00:00Fizz, Bang and Pop?What is it with winter and dull days?<br /><br />The pain is hard to take at the moment. No matter where i try and get there is a constant uncomfortable feeling that radiates throughout my body.<br />It's the same pain as before yet as usual when it comes to me, it's obviously worse this time round.<br /><br />At the moment the days are passing slowly. The seconds turn into minutes; the minutes into hours and so on. <br /><br />It's difficult. Sometimes it's hard to get up on days like this. Trying to find some sort of norm through it all is getting all the more harder.<br /><br />I wonder if it would be easier to give up sometimes, let someone else take over and give me the rest my body so desperately needs.<br /><br />I guess i'm just hoping that today of all days the pain will fizzle out like the fireworks going off around me. All about the big flash and the pretty colours then eventually fading back down to a spark.....if only.Amyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12664536951595866248noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8096873367471587191.post-90252551092669679272008-10-31T19:15:00.001+00:002008-10-31T19:17:48.016+00:00Passing of the seasons...So what should I make of surviving another season? I pretty much missed most of this past summer. I spent a lot of it having treatment, feeling ill and not doing much. Given a choice, I'll take winter any day.<br /><br />But it does make me conscious of the passing of time, of the turning of the wheel. Time, after all, is precious to cancer patients. It's our currency. This procedure will buy you more time. What more do we need to hear?<br /><br />Except, of course, there's the whole issue of the quality of the time we buy. But let's save that for another day.<br /><br />All I want to say today is, Happy Autumn. We made it.<br /><br />P.S Happy Halloween!Amyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12664536951595866248noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8096873367471587191.post-53324854046084210332008-10-14T20:07:00.003+01:002008-10-14T20:11:38.234+01:00Learning the new life...I've developed some new techniques and habits these last few weeks. I know how to stand to get the most amount of air into my lungs while i break for breath. I know how to get in and out of bed in the ways that will produce the least amount of pain. I've learned that using a heat pad on my aching muscles bring a few seconds of relief. For those few precious seconds, the pain just goes away.<br /><br />I guess I'm learning how to live this life.<br /><br />It's a little more complicated than my life was before. I have to think about things before I do them, plan how I'm going to do whatever it is I'm going to do. I guess I miss just being able to sort of stumble through life without thinking too <br />much about it. Something needed to be moved? I'd just pick it up. Not any more. Moving around the house was something I took for granted. Now i have to stop and think before i attempt the things i want to do.<br /><br />I hope to go back to that life relatively soon, as soon as my body gets to grips with its new way of coping.Amyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12664536951595866248noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8096873367471587191.post-70762761488218331142008-10-03T15:15:00.002+01:002008-10-03T15:24:37.505+01:00I Can't...I've never done well with limits or rules. Tell me I can't do something, and that's exactly what I'll want to do. Even when I really don't. It's not the act in question -- it's the rules, the limits, the "can't." So far, I've been pretty lucky with my cancer. The chemo made me very sick -- so sick some days that I couldn't do much of anything. But I've really been able to do anything I wanted, as long as I felt up to it. That's all changed.<br /><br />We all know what's happened, what the results of the last scan were. At the time i was worried but had the normal attitude of "It's ok, it's another setback; we'll get through" but now things, just little things are making me realise my body isn't always going to cooperate with me and it scares me.<br /><br />My walking is crap. Ask anyone and yeah i'm slow. I have to be. If i walk too fast i end up stopping because i'm so out of breath. I found my own pace that was comfortable for me. At least i thought it was. It seems now even this slow pace is getting too much for me and that really does worry me.<br /><br />So I'm having to come to grips with the idea that there are just some things I can't do anymore. Things I always took for granted. I don't like it. I don't like it at all. To be honest, I wasn't planning on doing the insane anytime soon. I just don't like the idea that I couldn't, even if I wanted to. I think the reason this scares me is that it seems like the beginning of what could be a long decline. That list under "can't" will probably only get longer. I don't like it. I don't like it at all.<br /><br />I think i may need to dig out my list and start doing it...before i "can't"Amyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12664536951595866248noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8096873367471587191.post-28199624474996262522008-09-24T20:30:00.003+01:002008-09-24T20:36:29.205+01:00Running out of Miracles...Yesterday was a bad day.<br /><br />We went for the results of my scan. They weren't good. The cancer has spread and grown even bigger than before. It's pushing my organs around and pushing the frame of my body out of shape, hence all my pain.<br /><br />We had a talk with my doctor. That was the hardest part of the day. As he sees it, there are limited options as it is. They don't know what to do, so much so, he literally went on google to see what it says on there. Is it really that bad? That's not a good sign. I have a lot of pain and we can't figure out what's causing it or how to blunt it.<br /><br />All along, we had figured there was a possible way out. A way to maybe control the pain because at the moment, that's all they are interested in doing as they can't do much else. A new chemo, a new way to attack it. But we may be running out of those. The box of miracles may be emptying out.<br /><br />We're not giving up, but it's getting harder to stay optimistic on a day like that.<br /><br />Like I said, this was a tough one.Amyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12664536951595866248noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8096873367471587191.post-60791675058372427342008-09-15T13:11:00.006+01:002008-09-15T13:29:17.060+01:00I Stand For....I stand for many things. <br /><br />That song is in my head a lot lately. It's weird but i guess it poses a lot of questions and deep thoughts when you stop and have the time to listen to it.<br /><br />Lets not talk about me today. I'm feeling great and well it's not all about cancer. It's about much more important things.<br /><br />Besides, it's kind of fun to do the impossible.<br /><br /><br />So i come to you with this question; <strong>What Do You Stand For?</strong><br /><br /><br />I Stand For....<br /><br /><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhinFQXKsbvFOMfEKS7lWnAA_RUodU9KY9MLqAoWnC26gPFA2Yp0KodwEyOF3xgB4Fw2QBeMj5jk99jAgIoSx67yb-xr3fnokI7mLph1Nr1Ged8XXEyDll9_ynTEYPsyWLbsf5I7I52r08/s1600-h/LIFE.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhinFQXKsbvFOMfEKS7lWnAA_RUodU9KY9MLqAoWnC26gPFA2Yp0KodwEyOF3xgB4Fw2QBeMj5jk99jAgIoSx67yb-xr3fnokI7mLph1Nr1Ged8XXEyDll9_ynTEYPsyWLbsf5I7I52r08/s320/LIFE.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5246223516115108850" /></a><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjiW5oYcSBl0kc7hiPsSoGfaPf7P3nNzoFxDD6sTEF9jrsUK8qWZNBbbDMflzlbiqfDpFPBbElHgDkJVd_8Jq7P3zFyNkHJHRFNDP-xrU-lNK0vGqg0WIR6JGABf0HcDntXTHtbchsKzFs/s1600-h/FOR+THE+MOMENT.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjiW5oYcSBl0kc7hiPsSoGfaPf7P3nNzoFxDD6sTEF9jrsUK8qWZNBbbDMflzlbiqfDpFPBbElHgDkJVd_8Jq7P3zFyNkHJHRFNDP-xrU-lNK0vGqg0WIR6JGABf0HcDntXTHtbchsKzFs/s320/FOR+THE+MOMENT.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5246223523632007714" /></a><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiLXbgxy5twgs0-5-MO85ctfuVoV5b4fNjH2Bfo7TCiE-x2EePiuw1DC2w8rRAaZ4RNcN58w0VfoNnmOlD2f5rxX_fwwFQ8J50nMQgMGDwAG10qmcgI0atxPaCKQFvvYBHEmjuSa0TICJk/s1600-h/RAWR.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiLXbgxy5twgs0-5-MO85ctfuVoV5b4fNjH2Bfo7TCiE-x2EePiuw1DC2w8rRAaZ4RNcN58w0VfoNnmOlD2f5rxX_fwwFQ8J50nMQgMGDwAG10qmcgI0atxPaCKQFvvYBHEmjuSa0TICJk/s320/RAWR.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5246223526569019890" /></a><br /><br />and the ability to wear silly hats...Amyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12664536951595866248noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8096873367471587191.post-74970359443913166442008-09-10T13:24:00.002+01:002008-09-10T13:37:31.938+01:00On Hold; For The Moment...Waiting rooms, you've got to love them. <br />My chemotherapy has been put on hold - celebrations all around! On the other hand my counts are dead from the last lot, so in a way that's the only reason i'm not having it but I thought i'd throw in a bit of fun there!<br /><br />I still have yet to grasp the concept of an appointment because let's face it, they never stick to them.<br />The waiting area to me always seems like a grim sort of place and even if you've had a full night's sleep a sudden wave of tiredness seems to engulf you, as if you're kind of meant to feel rubbish just by being there.<br /><br />On the plus side with all these so-called "appointments" though, you get to have a chat with the people around you. Where they are in their treatment? How they're doing? The usual chit chat for a room full of cancer patients.<br /><br />Some people have just started out on their journey's, while others have finished and are ten years clear of it. They still have to come back for check-ups though, made me realise that even if you beat the beast it still has that one way of trapping you for that little longer.<br /><br />I had an interesting day today. As I left and said goodbye I said what cancer patients always seem to say to each other in these situations: "Good luck. I hope I don't see you again." That's not being rude. It's saying that you hope they make it, that there won't be more treatment, that we won't run into each other waiting for some other form of therapy or appointment.<br /><br />And it's true. I genuinely liked the members of my temporary group. I will miss them. But I truly hope we never see each other again.Amyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12664536951595866248noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8096873367471587191.post-864824577267052952008-09-05T20:34:00.003+01:002008-09-05T20:36:43.697+01:00Stand Up 2 CancerCancer takes one person every minute. One life in a moment. They are our brothers, our sisters, our fathers and mothers, our husbands and wives, our best friends, our children, ourselves.<br /><br />http://su2c.standup2cancer.org/index.php<br /><br /><object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/7kOfYLDijy8&hl=en&fs=1"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/7kOfYLDijy8&hl=en&fs=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object><br /><br />This is where the end of cancer begins: when we unite in one unstoppable movement and Stand Up To Cancer.<br /><br />Will you stand with me?Amyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12664536951595866248noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8096873367471587191.post-19941648947254443662008-08-30T21:27:00.002+01:002008-08-30T21:32:39.538+01:00Nausea And Tiredness And Crap....OH MY!Etoposide - my new best friend...NOT.<br /><br />I had totally forgotten how rubbish chemo makes you feel. I haven't felt this bad in ages and definately not this sick. <br />Nausea and tiredness pretty much take over my days at the moment. <br /><br />It's not fun.<br /><br />Makes me realise how lucky i've been this past year and how long I've been without the proper strong stuff flowing round my body making me feel shit.<br /><br />I'm glad I've been healthy enough to do the things I've done these past months and i guess you've always got to come to that other obstacle and just fight through it to get back on the open road...<br /><br />and I'm aiming for that open road right now...Amyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12664536951595866248noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8096873367471587191.post-88903707691209800212008-08-26T19:51:00.002+01:002008-08-26T20:00:54.458+01:00The Same Old RoadIt was my routine checkup today. The usual "how you doing?", quick bloodtest, booking of vinblastine and we're out of there. Pretty straight forward...normally.<br /><br />Before my New York trip i was suffering quite badly with some pain in my shoulder. It gradually got worse and the pain spread to my neck and back. I went away on holiday and everything was fine, maybe it was just being away and giving my mind something else to focus on. The last few days have been hell, pain wise. I'm getting little sleep and nothing seems to relieve the aches and the shooting pinches now and again.<br /><br />I explained to my doctor the symptoms and she has now booked me in for an MRI and a CT scan. God only knows how long they'll take to come through. She also wants me to have fortnightly vinblastine instead of monthly. That i could handle, but she decided to opt for more.<br /><br />She wants to start me on another drug, etoposide. Now i've had this before, years ago actually, but intraveneously through my vein. She's decided on tablet form and to be honest, it was bad last time....i'm worried about now.<br /><br />There is a pretty much certain chance my hair is going to come out again (a year of growing it for nothing...once again) and the sickness and nausea is greatly heightened with tablets.<br /><br />A part of me is just wanting to say yeah if it's going to take the pain away then that's cool you know, i'll just deal with the "bald" look and the sickness but part of me is wondering if it is going to even actually work at all. I mean look at everything else. They haven't exactly helped me get anywhere on this seemingly pointless mission of trying to cure me. <br /><br />I mean i'm all for quality of life and everything, but surely this is getting pretty pointless now?Amyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12664536951595866248noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8096873367471587191.post-90798707427187946732008-08-21T20:14:00.004+01:002008-08-21T20:31:54.428+01:00Can i be anywhere; anywhere but here?New York.<br /><br />Well what can i say? It was amazing. It was everything i hoped it would be and more. Oh, and it was bloody hot.<br /><br />It seemed like i did everything and nothing and before i knew it, it was over. <br />I'd kill to back again, if only for a second. There are things i saw that will stay forever in my mind, like a snapshot of a memory lingering forever. <br /><br />But what now? Well back to the normal as always. The unknown and winding road of my life. <br />My pain is back, although it never went away really. I figured that if i took my mind off it, it would go which i obviously achieved while on holiday. Figures?<br /><br />Things at home are sucky, my dad just lost his job, money is tight and every little thing seems to accumulate into one big argument. It's like everyone is keeping things bottled up and then when it gets too much the contents just spill out everywhere.<br /><br />I'm kind of looking forward to the hospital next tuesday. It gives me something to think about and if things get decided there, then something to focus on.<br /><br />At times like this it's no fun to reminisce....but it sure helps.<br /><br /><p align=center><a href="http://tinypic.com" target="_blank"><img src="http://i35.tinypic.com/148is15.jpg" border="0" alt="Image and video hosting by TinyPic"></a></p>Amyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12664536951595866248noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8096873367471587191.post-77123302653323259612008-07-31T14:05:00.002+01:002008-07-31T14:17:11.790+01:00New York City BABY!!It's finally happening, another thing to cross off "My List"<br /><br />Travelling.<br /><br />I've always been fascinated by the world, in all it's wonder and have wanted nothing more than to go and explore it.<br /><br />I'm off to New York City! The crossroads of the world. The lights of Broadway. The buzz of the city. Am i excited? Fuck yeah! More than you can ever know or imagine.<br /><br />Just the thrill of knowing i'm going to experience so many new and amazing things while i do this makes all of the struggles that go with it seem so worthwhile.<br /><br />I've got a lot of new decisions and turns to make when i return from this trip and maybe, just maybe, this might be the one and only trip i ever get to take. So i've got to grab it with both hands and jump right in. Screw everyone. Screw the doctors, screw their decisions and their reasoning. For once i couldn't really care less. After all, this is my life and i don't really want to be here to just survive; i want to live!<br /><br />I guess, when it balls down to it...<br /><br />There is no holiday from cancer, however if it's going to come along with me, the least i can do is show it a good time. And boy, will i show it a good time. It may just die from all the excitement.Amyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12664536951595866248noreply@blogger.com0