Running out of Miracles...

Yesterday was a bad day.

We went for the results of my scan. They weren't good. The cancer has spread and grown even bigger than before. It's pushing my organs around and pushing the frame of my body out of shape, hence all my pain.

We had a talk with my doctor. That was the hardest part of the day. As he sees it, there are limited options as it is. They don't know what to do, so much so, he literally went on google to see what it says on there. Is it really that bad? That's not a good sign. I have a lot of pain and we can't figure out what's causing it or how to blunt it.

All along, we had figured there was a possible way out. A way to maybe control the pain because at the moment, that's all they are interested in doing as they can't do much else. A new chemo, a new way to attack it. But we may be running out of those. The box of miracles may be emptying out.

We're not giving up, but it's getting harder to stay optimistic on a day like that.

Like I said, this was a tough one.

I Stand For....

I stand for many things.

That song is in my head a lot lately. It's weird but i guess it poses a lot of questions and deep thoughts when you stop and have the time to listen to it.

Lets not talk about me today. I'm feeling great and well it's not all about cancer. It's about much more important things.

Besides, it's kind of fun to do the impossible.


So i come to you with this question; What Do You Stand For?


I Stand For....






and the ability to wear silly hats...

On Hold; For The Moment...

Waiting rooms, you've got to love them.
My chemotherapy has been put on hold - celebrations all around! On the other hand my counts are dead from the last lot, so in a way that's the only reason i'm not having it but I thought i'd throw in a bit of fun there!

I still have yet to grasp the concept of an appointment because let's face it, they never stick to them.
The waiting area to me always seems like a grim sort of place and even if you've had a full night's sleep a sudden wave of tiredness seems to engulf you, as if you're kind of meant to feel rubbish just by being there.

On the plus side with all these so-called "appointments" though, you get to have a chat with the people around you. Where they are in their treatment? How they're doing? The usual chit chat for a room full of cancer patients.

Some people have just started out on their journey's, while others have finished and are ten years clear of it. They still have to come back for check-ups though, made me realise that even if you beat the beast it still has that one way of trapping you for that little longer.

I had an interesting day today. As I left and said goodbye I said what cancer patients always seem to say to each other in these situations: "Good luck. I hope I don't see you again." That's not being rude. It's saying that you hope they make it, that there won't be more treatment, that we won't run into each other waiting for some other form of therapy or appointment.

And it's true. I genuinely liked the members of my temporary group. I will miss them. But I truly hope we never see each other again.

Stand Up 2 Cancer

Cancer takes one person every minute. One life in a moment. They are our brothers, our sisters, our fathers and mothers, our husbands and wives, our best friends, our children, ourselves.

http://su2c.standup2cancer.org/index.php



This is where the end of cancer begins: when we unite in one unstoppable movement and Stand Up To Cancer.

Will you stand with me?

Nausea And Tiredness And Crap....OH MY!

Etoposide - my new best friend...NOT.

I had totally forgotten how rubbish chemo makes you feel. I haven't felt this bad in ages and definately not this sick.
Nausea and tiredness pretty much take over my days at the moment.

It's not fun.

Makes me realise how lucky i've been this past year and how long I've been without the proper strong stuff flowing round my body making me feel shit.

I'm glad I've been healthy enough to do the things I've done these past months and i guess you've always got to come to that other obstacle and just fight through it to get back on the open road...

and I'm aiming for that open road right now...

The Same Old Road

It was my routine checkup today. The usual "how you doing?", quick bloodtest, booking of vinblastine and we're out of there. Pretty straight forward...normally.

Before my New York trip i was suffering quite badly with some pain in my shoulder. It gradually got worse and the pain spread to my neck and back. I went away on holiday and everything was fine, maybe it was just being away and giving my mind something else to focus on. The last few days have been hell, pain wise. I'm getting little sleep and nothing seems to relieve the aches and the shooting pinches now and again.

I explained to my doctor the symptoms and she has now booked me in for an MRI and a CT scan. God only knows how long they'll take to come through. She also wants me to have fortnightly vinblastine instead of monthly. That i could handle, but she decided to opt for more.

She wants to start me on another drug, etoposide. Now i've had this before, years ago actually, but intraveneously through my vein. She's decided on tablet form and to be honest, it was bad last time....i'm worried about now.

There is a pretty much certain chance my hair is going to come out again (a year of growing it for nothing...once again) and the sickness and nausea is greatly heightened with tablets.

A part of me is just wanting to say yeah if it's going to take the pain away then that's cool you know, i'll just deal with the "bald" look and the sickness but part of me is wondering if it is going to even actually work at all. I mean look at everything else. They haven't exactly helped me get anywhere on this seemingly pointless mission of trying to cure me.

I mean i'm all for quality of life and everything, but surely this is getting pretty pointless now?

Can i be anywhere; anywhere but here?

New York.

Well what can i say? It was amazing. It was everything i hoped it would be and more. Oh, and it was bloody hot.

It seemed like i did everything and nothing and before i knew it, it was over.
I'd kill to back again, if only for a second. There are things i saw that will stay forever in my mind, like a snapshot of a memory lingering forever.

But what now? Well back to the normal as always. The unknown and winding road of my life.
My pain is back, although it never went away really. I figured that if i took my mind off it, it would go which i obviously achieved while on holiday. Figures?

Things at home are sucky, my dad just lost his job, money is tight and every little thing seems to accumulate into one big argument. It's like everyone is keeping things bottled up and then when it gets too much the contents just spill out everywhere.

I'm kind of looking forward to the hospital next tuesday. It gives me something to think about and if things get decided there, then something to focus on.

At times like this it's no fun to reminisce....but it sure helps.