Putting it off....only time will tell

Most of you know that i've been quite ill recently.
These chemotherapy blocks of the ABVD treatment have really been knocking me about.

Last week i finally finished my scheduled doses and was booked in for a scan this week to find out how it went.

I've been putting this blog off for a while as i didn't really know what to put. I'm on another waiting game at the moment and frankly, i want to be anywhere but here.

I had my scan and that all seemed fine, until we went for the results. It seems that the treatment has done nothing, not even touched it, so unfortunately for me my tumour has grown again. A lot bigger than before.

All that treatment. The days of feeling sick and ill. Me loosing my hair. It's achieved nothing. I'm worse off than when i started. What a kick in the teeth.

At that very moment, i was scared. Looking at my picture, at the tumour, at the little blob on the screen that's eating me up, i was terrified.
The doctor was rambling on about the tumour and other things and frankly everything was a blur, one line stood out though and everything else is just a blank,

"We are running out of options and treatments for you"

Imagine hearing that. Yeah i knew this was slowly killing me but i thought we were making progress on my stupid rare tumour stuck inside me, i was obviously wrong.
Just as i seem to be getting somewhere, i get knocked down again and i hate it.

The doctor doesn't know what to do anymore and is referring me to a specialist adult cancer doctor to see if she's got any ideas. He mentioned something about intensive treatment and hardcore stuff like transplants, which undoubtedly means more stays in hospital and once again becoming very, very ill. Oh the joys.

He's last words were, listen to what her treatment plans are and you can decide then if you want to go ahead.
Frankly i'm fed up. I hate these times when you feel like nothing good is going to come of it, and even when it does it gets torn away as quick as lightening.
I don't know if i want to try this new stuff, if it's not going to work is there really any point?
I'd rather feel well than feel really ill and find it's not worked anyway.

I suppose i've got a lot of thinking to do. The doctor phoned this morning and i've got a meeting with this new doctor on tuesday. I admit now, i'm scared. Scared for myself but also for everyone around me. I don't think anyone wants to go through everything that happened already.

Looks like we will just have to wait and see once again.....only time will tell.