I Can't...

I've never done well with limits or rules. Tell me I can't do something, and that's exactly what I'll want to do. Even when I really don't. It's not the act in question -- it's the rules, the limits, the "can't." So far, I've been pretty lucky with my cancer. The chemo made me very sick -- so sick some days that I couldn't do much of anything. But I've really been able to do anything I wanted, as long as I felt up to it. That's all changed.

We all know what's happened, what the results of the last scan were. At the time i was worried but had the normal attitude of "It's ok, it's another setback; we'll get through" but now things, just little things are making me realise my body isn't always going to cooperate with me and it scares me.

My walking is crap. Ask anyone and yeah i'm slow. I have to be. If i walk too fast i end up stopping because i'm so out of breath. I found my own pace that was comfortable for me. At least i thought it was. It seems now even this slow pace is getting too much for me and that really does worry me.

So I'm having to come to grips with the idea that there are just some things I can't do anymore. Things I always took for granted. I don't like it. I don't like it at all. To be honest, I wasn't planning on doing the insane anytime soon. I just don't like the idea that I couldn't, even if I wanted to. I think the reason this scares me is that it seems like the beginning of what could be a long decline. That list under "can't" will probably only get longer. I don't like it. I don't like it at all.

I think i may need to dig out my list and start doing it...before i "can't"