Monday, 28 April 2008

Just Another Day....

Just another day. Back before I got sick, the days seemed to just blur together for the most part. I'm not sure if I ever really took the time to ask myself if today was a good day.

I think I look at things differently now. I've talked about how cancer makes me realize how precious each day can be. How important it is to appreciate them all.

That doesn't mean that every day is going to be a good day. And when we say we try to live each day to the fullest, that can mean just about anything. When I was on chemo, sometimes just getting out of bed was enough to make it a good day.

So I guess today was a good day. I didn't do anything profound. I just got out, went places and had a bit of the good stuff - fresh air! I feel that I need to say something worthwhile. But sometimes all I really have to say is, "Hey, made it through another day."

That's not very profound or even thoughtful, but it is the overriding truth of the day. Today belonged to me, not to the Beast. Today is my day.

Amy 1. Cancer 0.

Sunday, 20 April 2008

Long time coming.....

Wow it has been a while hasn't it?

To be honest, i'd completely forgotten about this blog.

So many things have happened lately and a lot of things were pushed to the back of my mind, this being one of them, and i carried on with what i thought was important.

Only recently meeting up with an old friend did i realise how many people had relied on it.

So here i am once again.......

Last time i wrote here i was going into hospital to have a pretty big transplant. There was a real chance i wouldn't make it through but i pushed on hard as usual and fought my way to the end.
Unfortunately the transplant didn't work. It makes me wonder if it's really worth the effort sometime. The amount of time i've wasted lying in a hospital bed when i could be out there making good use of the time i've got left and really doing something with it doesn't really add up. I suppose i wouldn't be where i am today though, if it wasn't for the people who make that hospital home....

I now have what i guess you can call "terminal" cancer. There is no longer a cure for what i have. So in short terms it means i'm dying. The doctors havn't given me a time limit and in a way i suppose it's a bad thing but if you look at it the way i do, i don't think i really want to know. I don't know how people can put a time limit on something as precious as a life. It certainly helps me now, as it gives me the chance to live every day to the max and not waste a single moment.
It's been rough. I feel pretty beat up. I've had some tough times before, but this has been different. For the first time, the cancer has truly changed my life.

I wouldn't class myself as ill; i'm more alive now than i ever was before.

I still have my off days. I'm tired and exhausted and my body still hasn't recovered from the transplant last year - it's difficult to work out if it ever will. I'm still here though and while i'm around i'm sure as hell going to fight it with all i've got and i know i have a great amount of people still looking out for me....and well you never know, i might be the reciever of a miracle one day!

I know that in the end, it will most likely get me. But at least I know that I've made it work. And there's some satisfaction in that.