Monday, 23 July 2007

The Race Of My Life

I finally did it. I raced "For Life" once again

This thursday just gone, i had my usual lot of chemotherapy and once again it left me pretty ill. Sunday came and it was the day of the race, i felt really ill and was sick a few hours before it but i knew i wanted to still do it - and in a way i knew i had to.

It sounds ironic but i literally fely like i was racing for my life, and racing for my life i sure did :)

We decided it best to walk the course instead of running it and we officially came last, but the atmosphere was amazing and i was so proud of myself for not giving up. This race means a lot to me, but i wasn't just racing for myself and it makes me feel all the more blessed that i could finish it.

I've never seen so many people all there for the same reason and it's sad, but also extremely rewarding to be able to walk alongside many inspirational people, whether they were there in person or in spirit !

The support shown for us as we crossed the finish line was overwhelming, so many people were cheering and willing us not to give up - even if we were last :)

A brilliant day was had and i know that everyone was definately looking down on us - the rain started to pour the moment we got in the car to come home!

Friday, 13 July 2007

Why i'm Happy...

People often ask me how i cope, how can you be so optimistic about life, how come you always seem so happy?

The more i think about it, the more i realise how strong i actually am.

I wouldn't really say optimistic, more determined. We're fighting every day. Every drug, medication and chemotherapy that we have is doing one thing, buying us time. It's keeping us alive. Every day we wake up feeling ill or not 100 percent, struggling to get out of bed, we know that's one more day that cancer can't have. As hard as it is sometimes, just getting out of bed in a morning means another day that the beast can't have.

Yes i'm confused about life, i'm confused about what is happening to me. I've been told numerous times that my cancer isn't responding the way it should do but the best thing we can do is just that - go with the next best thing.

I found out again recently that another boy from the hospital had died. I went away with him to the TCT weekend a few months ago. I'm ashamed to say it, but i didn't know him too well and i hate the fact that i never took the time to get to know him better.

I've also heard that two of my friends have fallen out over a boy and are now worst enemies or something. It makes you think though and like i've said before, life is too short to bear grudges. I hate people that fall out and argue over the most pettiest of things - they have no idea. I just don't see the point of wasting your energy on hating someone when there are so many other things to love in the world. It's time people really started to focus on the positive things in life instead of always looking at the negative.
People moan about their love lives, exams, stress, work when really these things are so petty. If you just stop and think about your life, and i mean really think, you will realise that those things don't really matter at all. Yes life is unfair, but it's also too short.

I'm having the crappest time lately, not life wise just health wise. I don't really care about that though. If you think about it there is always someone out there who is worse off than you and that's what i really concentrate on. I may not be leading the perfect life i'd like to, but knowing there is someone worse off than me gives me a reason to keep going. I have a home, i have food on the table and i have my happiness. That's more than what nearly 80% of the population have and that's a fact.

Now can you see why i'm so happy?

Saturday, 7 July 2007

Cancer is like a Box of Chocolates

Ever had that feeling of being exhausted even after a good night's sleep?

It seems to be happening to me a lot recently.
I just don't have any energy anymore.
Things i used to find easy are becoming ever so slightly harder.
I wake up in the morning and by lunchtime it feels like i never went to bed, like i missed a night's sleep. My energy is zapped.

I'm still going on with this strong chemotherapy. Had my second lot of it on thursday. I've been really ill with it again, hence why i'm updating this blog on a weekend, i didn't have the energy to do anything again. I have to sit down and rest nearly every ten or fifteen minutes and i can't seem to stand up for to long anymore.

Cancer really is like a box of chocolates. That's how i see it.
You have the chocolates you like and the chocolates you hate.
On a good day it feels like you've picked a good chocolate and on a bad day, a bad chocolate.
The only thing is the chocolates are disguised in colourful wrappers, wrappers that represent life, represent that day that has started. You don't know if it's a bad chocolate or a good chocolate until you unwrap it.

Lately i seem to be picking a lot of bad chocolates, bad days.
Hmmm i never really liked chocolate anyway....

.....Jelly beans anyone? :)