Monday, 24 November 2008

The Cancer Rollercoaster...

We have talked about the roller coaster that is cancer. I think this is a perfect example. A couple of weeks up, improving, then a couple of weeks down, that improvement lost. I've gotten used to the coaster, at least as much as I can. But it sure would be nice to get a nice level stretch for a while to let me catch my breath, settle my stomach and get ready for that next drop. But this isn't that kind of ride I guess. No slow spots, no timeouts, it's full speed ahead every day.

So all I can do is hold my hands up in the air and yell as I ride down this radiation hill, knowing that on the other side there will be a long climb upward to the top of the next hill. Or have I carried this metaphor too far? In any case, I've
given up the hope that the Beast will slow down at all. So I just have to keep up with it. Actually, I guess I'd better try to stay one step ahead.

Tuesday, 18 November 2008

Sunshine? Just what the doctor ordered!

Something so simple, yet even the smallest amount can be a recipe for clearing the head, healing the pain or just helping us get through the day.

What is this miraculous cure i hear you cry?!

SUNSHINE of course!

It's what we all need to lift our spirits and make us feel a hell of a lot better!

Sunshine and smiles...just what the doctor ordered.

Wednesday, 12 November 2008

The Gift Of Time...

How do we measure our lives?

In time? Days, weeks, months, years?

That takes us back to the "How long?" question. When you first learn that you have cancer, you want to know how much of a life you still have ahead of you. How you'll spend that time is something to think about later.

Once the shock has worn off you do start thinking about how you want to spend that time.

There were books I still wanted to read, places I wanted to see. There were conversations to be had with good friends. There were evenings of laughter still to complete.
And then there is the fight itself.

I still don't like the word "fight", but I haven't come up with a better one yet. Confronting our cancer, trying to defeat it -- that takes time, too.

Hours spent in machines, or waiting to go into machines. Days or weeks spent in the hospital for surgeries. And there is the time spent just thinking about what has happened to us. What this all means.

But the bottom line here is that I'm talking about how to spend time I never thought I'd have. Time that no one else thought I'd have. And that's a gift to be treasured.

Saturday, 8 November 2008

Hard To Disguise The Bad Days...

A lot of people have said that several of my blogs recently have sounded very down, that I seem depressed.

I guess that's true.

I don't mean to sound that way, but sometimes I have bad days. I guess that comes through in my writing.

I've been tempted not to publish some of them, but everyone says that if that's the way I feel on that day, so be it.

It's hard not to let everything we're going through get to us sometimes. Some days the burden seems greater, seems almost too much to bear. I know I shouldn't, but some days I want to feel sorry for myself, to give in to the dark side.

But those moments pass. We all have to reach inside ourselves and find some reserve still untapped, some strength that's still there, and push forward.

We have to find the will to take the next step, and then the one after that.

Some days that's hard. At least it is for me. I'd love to be a pillar of strength every day, to never feel or show weakness.

But we're all just human, after all.

Wednesday, 5 November 2008

Fizz, Bang and Pop?

What is it with winter and dull days?

The pain is hard to take at the moment. No matter where i try and get there is a constant uncomfortable feeling that radiates throughout my body.
It's the same pain as before yet as usual when it comes to me, it's obviously worse this time round.

At the moment the days are passing slowly. The seconds turn into minutes; the minutes into hours and so on.

It's difficult. Sometimes it's hard to get up on days like this. Trying to find some sort of norm through it all is getting all the more harder.

I wonder if it would be easier to give up sometimes, let someone else take over and give me the rest my body so desperately needs.

I guess i'm just hoping that today of all days the pain will fizzle out like the fireworks going off around me. All about the big flash and the pretty colours then eventually fading back down to a spark.....if only.