Friday, 30 May 2008

What Gets Me Through...

Maybe Tonight, Maybe Tomorrow

I heard the news today. It came out of nowhere.
I wish I could run away,
but where would I go?
Is this my destiny? Something so unfair... What will become of me?
God only knows.

And they say the road to heaven might lead us back through hell.
Maybe tonight, maybe tomorrow, we will win this fight and bury this sorrow.
We're so alive, still holding on, not ready to die, so we LIVESTRONG.

My pride is left for dead, as my world gets shaken.
The thoughts inside my head are so hard to control.
I am staring down the unknown, but one thing is certain.
You could break my body, but you will never break my soul.

And they say the road to heaven might leads us back through hell, but we're holding on for more
than stories to tell.

Maybe tonight, maybe tomorrow, we will win this fight and bury this sorrow.
We're so alive, still holding on, not ready to die, so we LIVESTRONG.

Monday, 19 May 2008

Holding Onto That Hope....

I want to get better.

I don't think about that a lot. I don't let myself. I spend more time thinking about living with cancer, having the best
life I can under the circumstances. And don't get me wrong, I'm a realist. I'm honest with myself. I know what's happening
to me, and what's likely to happen in the future.

But I still want to get better.

A tiny part of me still holds on to the very thin hope that somehow I can overcome this. I'm not looking for a cure. I know
better than that. But I'd love to just have a normal life.

My old normal, not cancer normal. Just for a little while.

Am I kidding myself? Probably.

The chances of the cancer going away, for any length of time, are pretty much zero. But that doesn't mean I have to give up
all my hope. You never know what might happen.

Actually, cancer patients pretty much do know what will happen. When we're given that first prognosis, we learn to ignore
it. And the next one, too.

But the overall theme is pretty clear. The end result isn't really in doubt.

Still, I'm holding onto that hope.

Maybe this is just my way of being stubborn.

Monday, 5 May 2008

The New Realities

I'm going to get better. I think that's really the dream that keeps me going.

Somehow, some way, i'm going to get better. I'm going to heal. Let's get past the cold hard reality right now. There will come a time for all of us when it's clear the journey is coming to an end. That we're not going to get better. But that day hasn't come yet.

It's clear that some things have changed forever. I used to partake in long distance running, sprinting and used to love the thrill of a race. Now i can barely balance properly let alone run, I don't think I'll ever be able to move the way I used to. That normal is gone. And I can live with that. After all, I don't have a lot of choice.

I guess I've gotten used to feeling bad. Now, I don't mean that to sound like I'm feeling sorry for myself. That's not it. You just get used to your new realities, good or bad. And it is always amazing what we can get used to. That's when you find out how strong you are. Not when you go through a crisis, but when you have to keep going through it day after day after day. When no matter how tough the previous day was, you have to get up and do it all over again. That's when courage comes in.

So maybe some day I'll wake up and feel better. Some side effect will be gone. But I'm not counting on it. I just hope each day that things won't get worse.

And I tell myself that no matter how each day goes -- I win, the cancer wins, or it's a draw -- I can get through it for another day.