The New Realities

I'm going to get better. I think that's really the dream that keeps me going.

Somehow, some way, i'm going to get better. I'm going to heal. Let's get past the cold hard reality right now. There will come a time for all of us when it's clear the journey is coming to an end. That we're not going to get better. But that day hasn't come yet.

It's clear that some things have changed forever. I used to partake in long distance running, sprinting and used to love the thrill of a race. Now i can barely balance properly let alone run, I don't think I'll ever be able to move the way I used to. That normal is gone. And I can live with that. After all, I don't have a lot of choice.

I guess I've gotten used to feeling bad. Now, I don't mean that to sound like I'm feeling sorry for myself. That's not it. You just get used to your new realities, good or bad. And it is always amazing what we can get used to. That's when you find out how strong you are. Not when you go through a crisis, but when you have to keep going through it day after day after day. When no matter how tough the previous day was, you have to get up and do it all over again. That's when courage comes in.

So maybe some day I'll wake up and feel better. Some side effect will be gone. But I'm not counting on it. I just hope each day that things won't get worse.

And I tell myself that no matter how each day goes -- I win, the cancer wins, or it's a draw -- I can get through it for another day.