The Hard Part....

I've been in a lot of pain recently. The cramps in my arm don't seem to be improving and the lack of sleep is really starting to catch up with me. I saw a different consultant the other week and he told me to increase my tablets. If by next week it doesn't get any better, i may go back for a second opinion. There are too many things coming up that i am no way missing!

But it's hard to really concentrate on all that. I've lost a friend this past week, and I guess I'm still trying to make sense of that. Trying and failing.

I don't think the loss of a good friend ever really makes sense. I think it's more a question of finding some way to accept it. That's the hard part.

We still pick up the phone to call them or open up a document to send an email, only to have to remind ourselves that they're gone. Especially when they're young, it's hard not to dwell on how much life went un-lived.

Actually, it all pretty much comes down to one thing: There's never a right time for them to die.

No... old or young, accident or illness, sudden or expected, it all comes down to the same thing. When we lose someone, we miss them.

Emily....

....when the Angels come, i know that they will treat you well. That they will pull you through and lift you up from all that's held you down.

There's a heaven up there and it waits just for you....


RIP Little girl,

Looks like God needed an extra angel up there in Heaven. I hope you finally get the rest you deserve.

xxx

A Victory In Itself...

I don't have anything very profound to say today. Yesterday was pretty much like the days before it. The search for relief from the pain goes on. So I wake up this morning to face another day. The pain will still be here. So will the frustration and the impatience. But go back three sentences and there's my message for today: We're here to face another day. Good day or bad, easy or hard, that's a victory in and of itself. I don't think I need to say anymore.

Put On My Happy Face...

There was an interesting article in The New York Times the other day. It was about the pressure on cancer patients to present a positive face to the world. Give the universe a thumbs up rather than your middle finger. A lot of us feel we need to appear upbeat, courageous, positive, even when we don't feel any of those emotions.

Quite honestly, there are times that I will write something in this blog that is more positive than I really feel that day.

I think we do this to reassure our loved ones, and maybe even ourselves. We hear a lot about how important a positive outlook is. It almost makes you afraid to acknowledge a bad day for fear that it somehow will set you back.

But one of the things I've stressed here from the beginning is honesty -- with ourselves, with those close to us, with our doctors, with each other. I think being honest is far more important than trying to present a positive face to the world.

Now, I'm not suggesting that we wallow in depression or anger. I think a positive outlook is important. I just think we shouldn't pressure ourselves to be upbeat if that's not the way we feel.

Living with cancer, you still have good days and bad. Just like everyone else.

More Than My Cancer....

When I was first diagnosed, I think it's fair to say that my friends and loved ones were as scared, as disoriented, and as freaked out as I was.

The world had changed. I had become something different. A cancer patient.

A lot of time has passed since then. That frenzy, the panic, has pretty much gone away. I have been changed in profound ways. But in some ways I think I've returned to my old self, at least a tiny bit.

I wonder how my friends are doing with all this. Have things gone back to normal, at least a little? When we talk, even if we don't mention the cancer, are they still thinking about it? Do they ever forget? I hope so, for their sake and for mine.

I was talking to one of my best friends the other day and several times he said, "I shouldn't complain to you."

Nonsense. Of course he should. That's why I'm here. That's why I'm his friend.

And I try not to talk just about my cancer. I am more than my disease. Plus, I don't want to be boring.

Yes, I have terminal cancer. It's trying to kill me. I'm trying to stop it from doing that. Most days that seems to be enough to say about cancer.

The world is full of far more interesting things.