Nausea And Tiredness And Crap....OH MY!

Etoposide - my new best friend...NOT.

I had totally forgotten how rubbish chemo makes you feel. I haven't felt this bad in ages and definately not this sick.
Nausea and tiredness pretty much take over my days at the moment.

It's not fun.

Makes me realise how lucky i've been this past year and how long I've been without the proper strong stuff flowing round my body making me feel shit.

I'm glad I've been healthy enough to do the things I've done these past months and i guess you've always got to come to that other obstacle and just fight through it to get back on the open road...

and I'm aiming for that open road right now...

The Same Old Road

It was my routine checkup today. The usual "how you doing?", quick bloodtest, booking of vinblastine and we're out of there. Pretty straight forward...normally.

Before my New York trip i was suffering quite badly with some pain in my shoulder. It gradually got worse and the pain spread to my neck and back. I went away on holiday and everything was fine, maybe it was just being away and giving my mind something else to focus on. The last few days have been hell, pain wise. I'm getting little sleep and nothing seems to relieve the aches and the shooting pinches now and again.

I explained to my doctor the symptoms and she has now booked me in for an MRI and a CT scan. God only knows how long they'll take to come through. She also wants me to have fortnightly vinblastine instead of monthly. That i could handle, but she decided to opt for more.

She wants to start me on another drug, etoposide. Now i've had this before, years ago actually, but intraveneously through my vein. She's decided on tablet form and to be honest, it was bad last time....i'm worried about now.

There is a pretty much certain chance my hair is going to come out again (a year of growing it for nothing...once again) and the sickness and nausea is greatly heightened with tablets.

A part of me is just wanting to say yeah if it's going to take the pain away then that's cool you know, i'll just deal with the "bald" look and the sickness but part of me is wondering if it is going to even actually work at all. I mean look at everything else. They haven't exactly helped me get anywhere on this seemingly pointless mission of trying to cure me.

I mean i'm all for quality of life and everything, but surely this is getting pretty pointless now?

Can i be anywhere; anywhere but here?

New York.

Well what can i say? It was amazing. It was everything i hoped it would be and more. Oh, and it was bloody hot.

It seemed like i did everything and nothing and before i knew it, it was over.
I'd kill to back again, if only for a second. There are things i saw that will stay forever in my mind, like a snapshot of a memory lingering forever.

But what now? Well back to the normal as always. The unknown and winding road of my life.
My pain is back, although it never went away really. I figured that if i took my mind off it, it would go which i obviously achieved while on holiday. Figures?

Things at home are sucky, my dad just lost his job, money is tight and every little thing seems to accumulate into one big argument. It's like everyone is keeping things bottled up and then when it gets too much the contents just spill out everywhere.

I'm kind of looking forward to the hospital next tuesday. It gives me something to think about and if things get decided there, then something to focus on.

At times like this it's no fun to reminisce....but it sure helps.