Looking back....

It's amazing how quickly three years fly by when you are stuck in the world of cancer.
The days and weeks seem to go so quickly and they then turn into months, which then become years.

The years that have passed since me being diagnosed have brought on some of the worst memories i can think of, but yet have also produced some of the best times and memories of my life.

We were clearing out the loft a few days ago and i came across all my "get well" cards and presents. Looking through them i noticed the names of the people, people who i hadn't seen for ages. I remember watching and seeing people drift away around me. Whether it was college or jobs, people were moving on with their lives and i hated the fact that i never got to say my farewells to the majority of these people.
I would love to know what had ever happened to some of the people i went to school with and what they are now doing at this very second, yet i know i can't really do that.

I'm lucky in other respects though. I have friends now that i would never have met if i hadn't got cancer. It's weird when you look back and wonder what if? What if i hadn't got cancer? Where would i be now?

Frankly i wouldn't want to know. I'm happy with the person i am now. I have a supportive family and some of the most amazing friends anyone could ever ask for and i know they are there for me whenever i need them. I think about the world differently now and stay positive and happy no matter what. Having cancer has really opened my eyes, opened them to give a much wider perspective of the world. I take each day as it comes and live it to the fullest, knowing very well that every single day could be my last. I'm much tougher now than i ever was, not the toughness that's seen in fighting and bullying, but the toughness to perservere. I know now that when i get knocked down, i can get back up again. Yes i may be weaker and a bit more bruised than before, but there is no way cancer is going to keep me knocked down.

I'm going to fight; and i'm going to fight HARD

First Day......Of HELL

Hmmm, i can write a few words to express how today was,

Stressful, Hell, Sad, Lonely, Annoying..... i could go on.


Yes, today was the first day of my new chemotherapy - ABVD.
I thought things might have gone according to plan.
The doctor told me i'd only be in there for four hours....

.....Eight hours altogether, funny four hours that turned out to be.

Everything was going fine. I'd had the three lots of new chemotherapy and was being administered my final chemotherapy drug, which was supposed to be over half an hour.

The senior nurse put it up fine and told one of the other nurses to keep an eye on it.
I was feeling fine and quite suprised that i wasn't feeling the slightest bit sick.
That was until the senior nurse came back from her lunch break.

Turns out the chemotherapy hadn't gone through and i'd been sitting there for an hour with nothing going into me.
My cannula had now clotted and i had to have it removed.

What followed was a painstaking half an hour of cannula jabs here and there as the stupid woman tried to put a new one in.
I swear she hit a raw nerve with me. I ended up in tears. It was just that stressful and annoying, i wanted to be anywhere but there.

In the end i finally got another cannula in and the chemotherapy got completed, a total of four hours after it was supposed to.
I can't explain the sheer boredom of sitting in a bed, being strapped to a rickety old dripstand, doing nothing. I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

All i'm hoping is it's not like this the next time i go. I've been ill, been sick and i don't know how long it's going to go on for.
I'm just glad i've got a week to recover. Not due back until another fortnight. I think i'll need that long to get over this lot.

Roll on next week eh?

The Girl With Cancer

Ahhh what a rubbish day it's been.

Crappy weather, crappy hospital and i'm feeling pretty crappy myself.

Had my hair shaved today.
I knew it would eventually happen and i knew what to expect, didn't stop me feeling completely awful.
Sitting in the salon chair is normally something us girls love, well not this time.
I watched as my hair fell off and landed around me. I can't explain it but at that one moment something changed again for me.


I'm no longer Amy.
I'm Amy - the girl with cancer.

When i still had my hair it was easier. Noone knew i was fighting cancer unless i chose to tell them myself. Now, looking at my hat covering my head, everyone will know i've got cancer. I can't hide it anymore. It's made everything seem more real and i'm all the more determined to fight it! And i guess every cloud does have a silver lining - i save a fortune on shampoo :)

Got into the hospital this morning expecting my mild chemotherapy before i started my new ABVD treatment next week.
As always though things didn't seem to go that way.
My doctor was away (again) and it seemed that the other doctor we had to see had written me up for ABVD this week. He also sent me for a heart scan that also wasn't planned.
To be honest, i didn't need it. I thought we'd just come in for routine treatment, then we get loaded with everything else. More stress that wasn't really needed and for the first time ever i got really pissed off.

The doctor's eventually sorted it and i got given my normal chemotherapy - ABVD starts next week as planned.
I was so glad to get home today. I've got a nice day to rest tomorrow and then it's off to London for the weekend.....frankly i can't wait :)

P.S I've been getting people asking me about getting a regular update of my blog. If you scroll to the bottom of this blog you will see something that says "Subscribe to: Posts (Atom)" You can subscribe to the blog that way and you will get the updates sent to the computer under your favourites. If you aren't computer literate i can also send an update to your email address and it's all easier for you, just let me know :)
Hope that helps!

Bring It On!

I told you i'd update with the doctor's phone call, so here i am :)

He had the meeting today and phoned to confirm the ABVD treatment is definately going ahead.

After weeks of waiting and not knowing, something is finally going ahead.


As to whether it will work?
That's another thing we will have to wait for.
Let's just hope the old saying is true,

"Good things come to those who wait"

Why do all good things come to an end?

How time flies eh?
I can't believe we have entered June already. Only seems like yesterday when i heard my cancer had returned and yet that was four months ago.

What can i say about today?
Still didn't get any news that was definate and it seems that now in reality, i don't think anything is definate when it comes to this type of thing.

Finally saw my actual consultant this week and he informed us that the major meeting with all the doctors and nurses, that was supposed to be on monday, didn't happen.
This once again means that nothing definate has been planned.
The meeting is rescheduled for this monday and the doctor will phone me and let me know the outcome.

The most likely action now is ABVD the treatment i spoke about in a previous post. The doctor has wrote me in to start recieving it in two weeks time, whether it will go ahead or not i won't know until Monday.

Radiotherapy has come back a no-no. The radiographer is reluctant in giving me any treatment at the moment as he is anxious of the outcome. I had a funny feeling this wouldn't go ahead anyway.

The ABVD treatment takes 6 hours and i am hooked up to a drip and given the drugs intraveniously. I suppose the upside is that i won't be staying in hospital for days on end.

It's still waiting around now really. At least we near enough know that the ABVD is definately going ahead, just got to wait until monday for definate.
I will update here then and let everyone know.

As for the good things coming to an end?
I've just had the greatest time ever in London and it seems as always it ended too soon. Everything was perfect and i hate that feeling of returning home from something that awesome - it feels like you were never away. Kind of like a world away from what i'm used to.

Shame though really, as in some ways my cancer has been a good thing. I can't really explain it but it has changed me for the better.
Ironic though that if this cancer's been a good thing, why hasn't it come to an end yet?