I realised i hadn't updated this blog in a while so i thought i'd post about the last few weeks following my last lot of news.
As most of you know i have a pretty big transplant coming up soon. Well before this starts my doctor needed to run a tonne of tests to see how well parts of my body are working ready for all the harcore treatment.
It's all pretty hyper at the moment and i'm getting tossed around for one test after the other.
Yesterday i was at the hospital for two different tests, my heart echo scan and an ECG - oh and also a kidney test.
My kidney test was scheduled at half nine in the morning. I had to be injected with a dye and then hourly for the next four hours i had to return to have a blood test. If my kidneys are working ok, the amount of dye in my blood should have decreased every hour.
Unfortunately my heart scan was not scheduled until 4:10 in the afternoon at a completely different hospital. There was no point going home so we had to wait around a good few hours.
The heart scans are a pain and i won't really go into detail as to why, let's just say you don't have much dignity left after them!
We finally got home yesterday and i was completely shattered. All together we'd been at the hospital a grand total of 12 hours - most of this time was spent doing absolutely nothing apart from waiting around.
We've got a few more tests in the next week including a bone marrow aspirate on monday and a lung function test on tuesday.
Got to go back and see the doctor on the 11th of september, the day after my PET scan, for the results.
Will update here and let you all know how they went.
Until then i'm free from the hospital for that little bit longer, and i intend to make the most of it :)
Friday, 31 August 2007
Tuesday, 14 August 2007
Last Chance Treatment
So today was the day.
Meeting my new doctor and finding out what so called "amazing" treatments she had up her sleeve.
Turns out she had only one thing that hadn't been tried on me yet.....a stem cell transplant.
Wouldn't really call it amazing, more like a pain in the ass!
This seems like the last and only treatment that they have to offer and the doctor still cannot guarantee if it's going to kill my tumour. Perfect.
It involves a long and what seems like a painful process.
My body will be blasted with high dose chemotherapy, practically killing every blood cell in my body. I will then be given back healthy cells in the hope that my body will take them and start rebuilding healthy cells. Sounds easy? It's not!
The doctor told me on a scale of 1-10 (1 being the mildest chemotherapy and 10 being the strongest) the chemotherapy i will have to have comes in at about a 9 or 10.
I will be in hospital for about 5 weeks while the transplant takes place and then it will take about 4-6 months to fully recover.
Another long process, oh the joys.
I noticed immediately that i was now in an adult hospital as the doctor was very blunt and straight to the point with me.
She rolled off a list of all the side effects, and during the transplant as i have no cells to fight infection, she guaranteed 100% that i will pick up some sort of virus.
She also told me outright that i may die from it, though apparently there is a much higher rate of survival (like that makes me feel any better)
She also told me my fertility will be affected, i will probably find it harder to concieve children naturally.
Damn what a brain freeze. All this was explained to me in about the space of ten minutes. I then got ushered out for various blood tests and scans.
I'm due a PET scan in four weeks, but until then another waiting game.
Once i get the results of my scan, they want to push straight on with this transplant.
Yes i will be in hospital a long time, yes the transplant might not even work, yes i might die from it....but i know without a shadow of a doubt, i'm not giving up without a fight...and a BIG fight at that :)
BRING IT ON!
Meeting my new doctor and finding out what so called "amazing" treatments she had up her sleeve.
Turns out she had only one thing that hadn't been tried on me yet.....a stem cell transplant.
Wouldn't really call it amazing, more like a pain in the ass!
This seems like the last and only treatment that they have to offer and the doctor still cannot guarantee if it's going to kill my tumour. Perfect.
It involves a long and what seems like a painful process.
My body will be blasted with high dose chemotherapy, practically killing every blood cell in my body. I will then be given back healthy cells in the hope that my body will take them and start rebuilding healthy cells. Sounds easy? It's not!
The doctor told me on a scale of 1-10 (1 being the mildest chemotherapy and 10 being the strongest) the chemotherapy i will have to have comes in at about a 9 or 10.
I will be in hospital for about 5 weeks while the transplant takes place and then it will take about 4-6 months to fully recover.
Another long process, oh the joys.
I noticed immediately that i was now in an adult hospital as the doctor was very blunt and straight to the point with me.
She rolled off a list of all the side effects, and during the transplant as i have no cells to fight infection, she guaranteed 100% that i will pick up some sort of virus.
She also told me outright that i may die from it, though apparently there is a much higher rate of survival (like that makes me feel any better)
She also told me my fertility will be affected, i will probably find it harder to concieve children naturally.
Damn what a brain freeze. All this was explained to me in about the space of ten minutes. I then got ushered out for various blood tests and scans.
I'm due a PET scan in four weeks, but until then another waiting game.
Once i get the results of my scan, they want to push straight on with this transplant.
Yes i will be in hospital a long time, yes the transplant might not even work, yes i might die from it....but i know without a shadow of a doubt, i'm not giving up without a fight...and a BIG fight at that :)
BRING IT ON!
Friday, 10 August 2007
Putting it off....only time will tell
Most of you know that i've been quite ill recently.
These chemotherapy blocks of the ABVD treatment have really been knocking me about.
Last week i finally finished my scheduled doses and was booked in for a scan this week to find out how it went.
I've been putting this blog off for a while as i didn't really know what to put. I'm on another waiting game at the moment and frankly, i want to be anywhere but here.
I had my scan and that all seemed fine, until we went for the results. It seems that the treatment has done nothing, not even touched it, so unfortunately for me my tumour has grown again. A lot bigger than before.
All that treatment. The days of feeling sick and ill. Me loosing my hair. It's achieved nothing. I'm worse off than when i started. What a kick in the teeth.
At that very moment, i was scared. Looking at my picture, at the tumour, at the little blob on the screen that's eating me up, i was terrified.
The doctor was rambling on about the tumour and other things and frankly everything was a blur, one line stood out though and everything else is just a blank,
"We are running out of options and treatments for you"
Imagine hearing that. Yeah i knew this was slowly killing me but i thought we were making progress on my stupid rare tumour stuck inside me, i was obviously wrong.
Just as i seem to be getting somewhere, i get knocked down again and i hate it.
The doctor doesn't know what to do anymore and is referring me to a specialist adult cancer doctor to see if she's got any ideas. He mentioned something about intensive treatment and hardcore stuff like transplants, which undoubtedly means more stays in hospital and once again becoming very, very ill. Oh the joys.
He's last words were, listen to what her treatment plans are and you can decide then if you want to go ahead.
Frankly i'm fed up. I hate these times when you feel like nothing good is going to come of it, and even when it does it gets torn away as quick as lightening.
I don't know if i want to try this new stuff, if it's not going to work is there really any point?
I'd rather feel well than feel really ill and find it's not worked anyway.
I suppose i've got a lot of thinking to do. The doctor phoned this morning and i've got a meeting with this new doctor on tuesday. I admit now, i'm scared. Scared for myself but also for everyone around me. I don't think anyone wants to go through everything that happened already.
Looks like we will just have to wait and see once again.....only time will tell.
These chemotherapy blocks of the ABVD treatment have really been knocking me about.
Last week i finally finished my scheduled doses and was booked in for a scan this week to find out how it went.
I've been putting this blog off for a while as i didn't really know what to put. I'm on another waiting game at the moment and frankly, i want to be anywhere but here.
I had my scan and that all seemed fine, until we went for the results. It seems that the treatment has done nothing, not even touched it, so unfortunately for me my tumour has grown again. A lot bigger than before.
All that treatment. The days of feeling sick and ill. Me loosing my hair. It's achieved nothing. I'm worse off than when i started. What a kick in the teeth.
At that very moment, i was scared. Looking at my picture, at the tumour, at the little blob on the screen that's eating me up, i was terrified.
The doctor was rambling on about the tumour and other things and frankly everything was a blur, one line stood out though and everything else is just a blank,
"We are running out of options and treatments for you"
Imagine hearing that. Yeah i knew this was slowly killing me but i thought we were making progress on my stupid rare tumour stuck inside me, i was obviously wrong.
Just as i seem to be getting somewhere, i get knocked down again and i hate it.
The doctor doesn't know what to do anymore and is referring me to a specialist adult cancer doctor to see if she's got any ideas. He mentioned something about intensive treatment and hardcore stuff like transplants, which undoubtedly means more stays in hospital and once again becoming very, very ill. Oh the joys.
He's last words were, listen to what her treatment plans are and you can decide then if you want to go ahead.
Frankly i'm fed up. I hate these times when you feel like nothing good is going to come of it, and even when it does it gets torn away as quick as lightening.
I don't know if i want to try this new stuff, if it's not going to work is there really any point?
I'd rather feel well than feel really ill and find it's not worked anyway.
I suppose i've got a lot of thinking to do. The doctor phoned this morning and i've got a meeting with this new doctor on tuesday. I admit now, i'm scared. Scared for myself but also for everyone around me. I don't think anyone wants to go through everything that happened already.
Looks like we will just have to wait and see once again.....only time will tell.
Monday, 23 July 2007
The Race Of My Life
I finally did it. I raced "For Life" once again
This thursday just gone, i had my usual lot of chemotherapy and once again it left me pretty ill. Sunday came and it was the day of the race, i felt really ill and was sick a few hours before it but i knew i wanted to still do it - and in a way i knew i had to.
It sounds ironic but i literally fely like i was racing for my life, and racing for my life i sure did :)
We decided it best to walk the course instead of running it and we officially came last, but the atmosphere was amazing and i was so proud of myself for not giving up. This race means a lot to me, but i wasn't just racing for myself and it makes me feel all the more blessed that i could finish it.
I've never seen so many people all there for the same reason and it's sad, but also extremely rewarding to be able to walk alongside many inspirational people, whether they were there in person or in spirit !
The support shown for us as we crossed the finish line was overwhelming, so many people were cheering and willing us not to give up - even if we were last :)
A brilliant day was had and i know that everyone was definately looking down on us - the rain started to pour the moment we got in the car to come home!
This thursday just gone, i had my usual lot of chemotherapy and once again it left me pretty ill. Sunday came and it was the day of the race, i felt really ill and was sick a few hours before it but i knew i wanted to still do it - and in a way i knew i had to.
It sounds ironic but i literally fely like i was racing for my life, and racing for my life i sure did :)
We decided it best to walk the course instead of running it and we officially came last, but the atmosphere was amazing and i was so proud of myself for not giving up. This race means a lot to me, but i wasn't just racing for myself and it makes me feel all the more blessed that i could finish it.
I've never seen so many people all there for the same reason and it's sad, but also extremely rewarding to be able to walk alongside many inspirational people, whether they were there in person or in spirit !
The support shown for us as we crossed the finish line was overwhelming, so many people were cheering and willing us not to give up - even if we were last :)
A brilliant day was had and i know that everyone was definately looking down on us - the rain started to pour the moment we got in the car to come home!
Friday, 13 July 2007
Why i'm Happy...
People often ask me how i cope, how can you be so optimistic about life, how come you always seem so happy?
The more i think about it, the more i realise how strong i actually am.
I wouldn't really say optimistic, more determined. We're fighting every day. Every drug, medication and chemotherapy that we have is doing one thing, buying us time. It's keeping us alive. Every day we wake up feeling ill or not 100 percent, struggling to get out of bed, we know that's one more day that cancer can't have. As hard as it is sometimes, just getting out of bed in a morning means another day that the beast can't have.
Yes i'm confused about life, i'm confused about what is happening to me. I've been told numerous times that my cancer isn't responding the way it should do but the best thing we can do is just that - go with the next best thing.
I found out again recently that another boy from the hospital had died. I went away with him to the TCT weekend a few months ago. I'm ashamed to say it, but i didn't know him too well and i hate the fact that i never took the time to get to know him better.
I've also heard that two of my friends have fallen out over a boy and are now worst enemies or something. It makes you think though and like i've said before, life is too short to bear grudges. I hate people that fall out and argue over the most pettiest of things - they have no idea. I just don't see the point of wasting your energy on hating someone when there are so many other things to love in the world. It's time people really started to focus on the positive things in life instead of always looking at the negative.
People moan about their love lives, exams, stress, work when really these things are so petty. If you just stop and think about your life, and i mean really think, you will realise that those things don't really matter at all. Yes life is unfair, but it's also too short.
I'm having the crappest time lately, not life wise just health wise. I don't really care about that though. If you think about it there is always someone out there who is worse off than you and that's what i really concentrate on. I may not be leading the perfect life i'd like to, but knowing there is someone worse off than me gives me a reason to keep going. I have a home, i have food on the table and i have my happiness. That's more than what nearly 80% of the population have and that's a fact.
Now can you see why i'm so happy?
The more i think about it, the more i realise how strong i actually am.
I wouldn't really say optimistic, more determined. We're fighting every day. Every drug, medication and chemotherapy that we have is doing one thing, buying us time. It's keeping us alive. Every day we wake up feeling ill or not 100 percent, struggling to get out of bed, we know that's one more day that cancer can't have. As hard as it is sometimes, just getting out of bed in a morning means another day that the beast can't have.
Yes i'm confused about life, i'm confused about what is happening to me. I've been told numerous times that my cancer isn't responding the way it should do but the best thing we can do is just that - go with the next best thing.
I found out again recently that another boy from the hospital had died. I went away with him to the TCT weekend a few months ago. I'm ashamed to say it, but i didn't know him too well and i hate the fact that i never took the time to get to know him better.
I've also heard that two of my friends have fallen out over a boy and are now worst enemies or something. It makes you think though and like i've said before, life is too short to bear grudges. I hate people that fall out and argue over the most pettiest of things - they have no idea. I just don't see the point of wasting your energy on hating someone when there are so many other things to love in the world. It's time people really started to focus on the positive things in life instead of always looking at the negative.
People moan about their love lives, exams, stress, work when really these things are so petty. If you just stop and think about your life, and i mean really think, you will realise that those things don't really matter at all. Yes life is unfair, but it's also too short.
I'm having the crappest time lately, not life wise just health wise. I don't really care about that though. If you think about it there is always someone out there who is worse off than you and that's what i really concentrate on. I may not be leading the perfect life i'd like to, but knowing there is someone worse off than me gives me a reason to keep going. I have a home, i have food on the table and i have my happiness. That's more than what nearly 80% of the population have and that's a fact.
Now can you see why i'm so happy?
Saturday, 7 July 2007
Cancer is like a Box of Chocolates
Ever had that feeling of being exhausted even after a good night's sleep?
It seems to be happening to me a lot recently.
I just don't have any energy anymore.
Things i used to find easy are becoming ever so slightly harder.
I wake up in the morning and by lunchtime it feels like i never went to bed, like i missed a night's sleep. My energy is zapped.
I'm still going on with this strong chemotherapy. Had my second lot of it on thursday. I've been really ill with it again, hence why i'm updating this blog on a weekend, i didn't have the energy to do anything again. I have to sit down and rest nearly every ten or fifteen minutes and i can't seem to stand up for to long anymore.
Cancer really is like a box of chocolates. That's how i see it.
You have the chocolates you like and the chocolates you hate.
On a good day it feels like you've picked a good chocolate and on a bad day, a bad chocolate.
The only thing is the chocolates are disguised in colourful wrappers, wrappers that represent life, represent that day that has started. You don't know if it's a bad chocolate or a good chocolate until you unwrap it.
Lately i seem to be picking a lot of bad chocolates, bad days.
Hmmm i never really liked chocolate anyway....
.....Jelly beans anyone? :)
It seems to be happening to me a lot recently.
I just don't have any energy anymore.
Things i used to find easy are becoming ever so slightly harder.
I wake up in the morning and by lunchtime it feels like i never went to bed, like i missed a night's sleep. My energy is zapped.
I'm still going on with this strong chemotherapy. Had my second lot of it on thursday. I've been really ill with it again, hence why i'm updating this blog on a weekend, i didn't have the energy to do anything again. I have to sit down and rest nearly every ten or fifteen minutes and i can't seem to stand up for to long anymore.
Cancer really is like a box of chocolates. That's how i see it.
You have the chocolates you like and the chocolates you hate.
On a good day it feels like you've picked a good chocolate and on a bad day, a bad chocolate.
The only thing is the chocolates are disguised in colourful wrappers, wrappers that represent life, represent that day that has started. You don't know if it's a bad chocolate or a good chocolate until you unwrap it.
Lately i seem to be picking a lot of bad chocolates, bad days.
Hmmm i never really liked chocolate anyway....
.....Jelly beans anyone? :)
Friday, 29 June 2007
Looking back....
It's amazing how quickly three years fly by when you are stuck in the world of cancer.
The days and weeks seem to go so quickly and they then turn into months, which then become years.
The years that have passed since me being diagnosed have brought on some of the worst memories i can think of, but yet have also produced some of the best times and memories of my life.
We were clearing out the loft a few days ago and i came across all my "get well" cards and presents. Looking through them i noticed the names of the people, people who i hadn't seen for ages. I remember watching and seeing people drift away around me. Whether it was college or jobs, people were moving on with their lives and i hated the fact that i never got to say my farewells to the majority of these people.
I would love to know what had ever happened to some of the people i went to school with and what they are now doing at this very second, yet i know i can't really do that.
I'm lucky in other respects though. I have friends now that i would never have met if i hadn't got cancer. It's weird when you look back and wonder what if? What if i hadn't got cancer? Where would i be now?
The days and weeks seem to go so quickly and they then turn into months, which then become years.
The years that have passed since me being diagnosed have brought on some of the worst memories i can think of, but yet have also produced some of the best times and memories of my life.
We were clearing out the loft a few days ago and i came across all my "get well" cards and presents. Looking through them i noticed the names of the people, people who i hadn't seen for ages. I remember watching and seeing people drift away around me. Whether it was college or jobs, people were moving on with their lives and i hated the fact that i never got to say my farewells to the majority of these people.
I would love to know what had ever happened to some of the people i went to school with and what they are now doing at this very second, yet i know i can't really do that.
I'm lucky in other respects though. I have friends now that i would never have met if i hadn't got cancer. It's weird when you look back and wonder what if? What if i hadn't got cancer? Where would i be now?
Frankly i wouldn't want to know. I'm happy with the person i am now. I have a supportive family and some of the most amazing friends anyone could ever ask for and i know they are there for me whenever i need them. I think about the world differently now and stay positive and happy no matter what. Having cancer has really opened my eyes, opened them to give a much wider perspective of the world. I take each day as it comes and live it to the fullest, knowing very well that every single day could be my last. I'm much tougher now than i ever was, not the toughness that's seen in fighting and bullying, but the toughness to perservere. I know now that when i get knocked down, i can get back up again. Yes i may be weaker and a bit more bruised than before, but there is no way cancer is going to keep me knocked down.
I'm going to fight; and i'm going to fight HARD
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